Letting My Hair Down

Hello, dearests. It’s been another crazy year where I had the intention to write and no time to do it. I've been spending my time doing theater (and theater) and papers that were never written before 2AM. Otherwise, I've been my usual extra self: new additions include a shag white coat, a buttload of glitter eyeshadow, a portable speaker to blast Whitney Houston, as well as the catchphrase "the 80's are in!" 

You know what they say...

With a new aesthetic comes a new folder on your desktop labeled Looks! Here are some of the shots I've been using to inform my clothing and glitter purchases. 

(http://community.sparknotes.com/2018/05/09/8-decades-of-harry-potter-style)

I was toting around disposable cameras for a week at a time and then getting them developed, but that proved to be a very expensive habit, so I've started using HUJI (an app that recreates the disposable-look). Here are some of those photos:

I especially love the blurriness/grainy quality of the photos because I think it indicates a life in motion rather than the posed photo-ops we see so often on Instagram now. Life moves fast and harsh in these photos and at university. This past semester was one of the hardest yet academically: thank you overcommitment! Surprisingly, living my life inside of a literal pressure cooker didn't seem to destroy my mental health completely.

For such a long section of my life, I felt that I knew completely who I was and what I wanted: I felt stable enough, and I didn't think I needed to put much care into growing, because I figured I was well planted.

Welp. I was wrong.

Apparently growing as a person takes effort. Last year I felt uprooted and out of control. I was grasping at the strings of who I used to be in order to ground myself, and freaking out when I wasn't familiar to myself. For the first time, the road to being a person was dark and confusing and hard.
I was searching for an answer to loneliness, to my fear and confusion, and in response, over chips and guac, a friend said: "Isn't that exciting though? The fun of being is figuring that out!" I almost threw my chips at her. I had been in a hole for weeks with no idea how to get out, and she was telling me to enjoy it? There were times when mental health was keeping me in my hole, and times when I was sheltering there, waiting for everything to calm down (which it didn't and doesn't).

Mixed metaphors aside, it took a lot of work for me to let the waves of fear become less scary. I'm still working on it, and I am trying to accept, above all, that I get to move at my own pace, and that being in a hole can be a part of a full story.

Going into this summer, I feel like I am finally treking towards knowing myself, which is an AMAZING feeling, not gonna lie. So here's to new experiences, less anxiety, more consistent blogging, and feeling less apprehensive about the future!

Wish me luck!